There's a very high level of regret that I am feeling right now. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with Leonard when he was there by my feet each time he saw me. He followed me everywhere, always begged for tummy rubs. I'd only pay attention to him on my own time. Each time he did his trademark paw thing, he win my heart all over again. He knew that that was the key to my heart. ... and yet I was so selfish.
I saw him two nights before his death and I only merely glanced at him, never thinking that he would be gone from my life so soon. I remember thinking after that night why I never paid more attention to him. It was during dinner, that the news of his disappearance came to me and I was never the same again. I knew that if we found him right now after in one piece, I would love him all up. That decision came too late though. The worst of my fears happened, I was in denial, I was in shock and I didn't know what else to feel.
It was first time I saw him cry. We cried for hours, not knowing what to do, feelings of guilt, regret, sadness. There's this Leonard shaped hole in my life ... and I don't know what to do with it. He asked me why humans were so weird, why we get so attached to these dogs. I answered him with all of Leonard's best attributes. We got attached because he was always the first one to meet us at the door, he'd always try to make us happy, he'd never get mad at us if we pushed him away or yell at him but instead try to make things better....
This was the first time I experienced a death very, very close to me. I asked myself constantly whether I'd ever get over it and I don't think I will. I'm thinking about him every single moment of my days, so much that everything reminds me of him. The stairs, the way he'd run up and down the stairs. The couch, the place he always slept. The empty space, the space he always peed and pooed on. The bones we bought for him. The bed, the way he'd run around and try to jump up on the bed...
He was going to celebrate his first birthday next month and I guess we'll be celebrating it for him, without him... He had so much innocence in him, we wanted to bring him out to so many places and now we can't...
Wherever dogs go, heaven, doggie heaven, Leonard I hope you're well... you're running around having the time of your life. I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday and I love you. See you soon...
Rest in Peace
leonard (tat)
August 2008 - July 2009
