Stay strong, Kwan family and Billie ...
I'll miss you forever auntie - thank you for always taking care of me whenever I would come visit and always laughing with me, treating me like I was your own. I regret not visiting as much, I regret it so much.
We never intend for these things to happen and often times we're never prepared for it.
Sigh...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Twenty
A significant number in its own right - a number that stands in between being simply a teenager and an expectation to grow up to compare to those who are already there.
Twenty is a number that is the end of a new group of numbers and verges into a new decade, I suppose.
Watched Peter Pan and wish I would never have to grow up.
Twenty is significant in another way, in many ways and may be worth celebrating for making it thus far. It anticipates further growth as a person and maybe to an extent, expects longevity, expects no end in that growth.
Twenty is a number that is the end of a new group of numbers and verges into a new decade, I suppose.
Watched Peter Pan and wish I would never have to grow up.
Twenty is significant in another way, in many ways and may be worth celebrating for making it thus far. It anticipates further growth as a person and maybe to an extent, expects longevity, expects no end in that growth.
Friday, November 06, 2009
What Life Would be Like...
As I was sitting on the bus yesterday, half dozing off, half not, all these glimpses of peoples faces that I encountered over the past many years came back. These were people that I very much remember for their distinct personalities and the very heartwarming conversations we had for a short little while.
Some people think I'm weird for talking to strangers but when you really do take the time to talk to some, your life changes forever.
Coincidentally, most of these experiences were with elderly people... with the occasional young'ns.
1) I remember during my trip to China in 2007, there was this retired couple who then, and I suppose, currently are traveling the world. I remember getting along so well with them, so much so that after my trip was over, they gave me their number to stay in contact with them, maybe go for "yum cha" before I would return to Canada.
I didn't call them. There are many days where I wonder what if I called them and had that brunch date... would we still be friends? I wonder how they're doing now.
2) My most memorable experience was during my trip to Luoyang. I met the most amazing kids - orphans - and yet their situation never brought them down. It was the most humbling experience and it became more than a volunteer-orphan relationship. We became friends ... I promised I'd write them and I'd keep in touch with them.
I haven't done so. It's been two and a half years and everyday I wonder where they are now, some are already grown up (the adults have to leave the orphange). I wonder if they had followed their dreams that they shared with me years ago. I wonder if I still write to them now if they would still remember me, would they forgive me for neglecting them for so long?
3) I met this lady on the subway TTC. It was a very short and sweet conversation and very much reminded me of what a loving grandmother would be.
Her compliments and her smile made my day and I wish I could return the favour each and every day.
4) I took the Via Rail one time and it had stalled for an extra two hours due to some complications on the track. An elderly couple who sat behind me had no idea what to do and needed to call home. I simply just lent them my phone so that they could assure their relatives that they were okay. I thought nothing of it as I would expect any other person to do the same. For some reason, they were so grateful that they wanted me to call them. They gave me their business card and wished for me to call them the next day so they could thank me again.
They called my cell phone (it was saved on their relatives' call id), but I never picked up.
I really wish I did pick up. Maybe we would be friends. Maybe they'd teach me things about life I would never learn. Maybe I'd keep them young.
5) This girl that sat beside me on the Greyhound and I randomly started talking. Talking so much that we pretty much annoyed everyone on the bus, including the bus driver. We talked like we had known each other for years and knew the ins and outs of our situations and stories.
And again, I wonder what it would be life if we had kept in touch.
***
I always hate saying good-bye. I always stuck to the fact that once you're in my life, there is no way out. It's not that I am dissatisfied with having the few good people I do have in my life; I just maybe, grow attached to people so easily that their impact on me never seems to subside...
Some people think I'm weird for talking to strangers but when you really do take the time to talk to some, your life changes forever.
Coincidentally, most of these experiences were with elderly people... with the occasional young'ns.
1) I remember during my trip to China in 2007, there was this retired couple who then, and I suppose, currently are traveling the world. I remember getting along so well with them, so much so that after my trip was over, they gave me their number to stay in contact with them, maybe go for "yum cha" before I would return to Canada.
I didn't call them. There are many days where I wonder what if I called them and had that brunch date... would we still be friends? I wonder how they're doing now.
2) My most memorable experience was during my trip to Luoyang. I met the most amazing kids - orphans - and yet their situation never brought them down. It was the most humbling experience and it became more than a volunteer-orphan relationship. We became friends ... I promised I'd write them and I'd keep in touch with them.
I haven't done so. It's been two and a half years and everyday I wonder where they are now, some are already grown up (the adults have to leave the orphange). I wonder if they had followed their dreams that they shared with me years ago. I wonder if I still write to them now if they would still remember me, would they forgive me for neglecting them for so long?
3) I met this lady on the subway TTC. It was a very short and sweet conversation and very much reminded me of what a loving grandmother would be.
Her compliments and her smile made my day and I wish I could return the favour each and every day.
4) I took the Via Rail one time and it had stalled for an extra two hours due to some complications on the track. An elderly couple who sat behind me had no idea what to do and needed to call home. I simply just lent them my phone so that they could assure their relatives that they were okay. I thought nothing of it as I would expect any other person to do the same. For some reason, they were so grateful that they wanted me to call them. They gave me their business card and wished for me to call them the next day so they could thank me again.
They called my cell phone (it was saved on their relatives' call id), but I never picked up.
I really wish I did pick up. Maybe we would be friends. Maybe they'd teach me things about life I would never learn. Maybe I'd keep them young.
5) This girl that sat beside me on the Greyhound and I randomly started talking. Talking so much that we pretty much annoyed everyone on the bus, including the bus driver. We talked like we had known each other for years and knew the ins and outs of our situations and stories.
And again, I wonder what it would be life if we had kept in touch.
***
I always hate saying good-bye. I always stuck to the fact that once you're in my life, there is no way out. It's not that I am dissatisfied with having the few good people I do have in my life; I just maybe, grow attached to people so easily that their impact on me never seems to subside...
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
There is something about that smile that calms me down and makes me feel like the world's gonna be alright.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Growing up sucks
As I sit in my cubicle 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I've been given a lot more thinking time. However what I think about isn't always positive...
I'm trying to think of who/how/what I used to be and I know I'm not that person anymore and I very much wish I still was that person. I know I've still got it in me but yet it's like I've suddenly become aware of my surroundings.
It's like when Adam and Eve took a bite of the fruit and their eyes suddenly opened, not for the better. Before that bite into the fruit, they were happy, innocent, carefree.
And I wish I was like that again ... I used to consider myself as one of those happy-go-lucky types of people. I was loud and bouncing everywhere, possibly shameless, but I didn't care. That was me and I was happy... I did what made me happy. I thrived off of getting involved in anything and everything. I never wanted to stay in or sit down. Although I placed extra-curriculars above my academics, I still managed to keep a healthy balance.
I look at myself now and I am the complete opposite.
So with that said, something needs to change... Not so much a reversion back to my old self but an embrace of who I used to be and who I want to become.
I've reflected back on what I used to do in high school and am determined to follow through with something similar in hopes of getting back this happy-go-lucky part of me to be a whole of me.
I'm trying to think of who/how/what I used to be and I know I'm not that person anymore and I very much wish I still was that person. I know I've still got it in me but yet it's like I've suddenly become aware of my surroundings.
It's like when Adam and Eve took a bite of the fruit and their eyes suddenly opened, not for the better. Before that bite into the fruit, they were happy, innocent, carefree.
And I wish I was like that again ... I used to consider myself as one of those happy-go-lucky types of people. I was loud and bouncing everywhere, possibly shameless, but I didn't care. That was me and I was happy... I did what made me happy. I thrived off of getting involved in anything and everything. I never wanted to stay in or sit down. Although I placed extra-curriculars above my academics, I still managed to keep a healthy balance.
I look at myself now and I am the complete opposite.
So with that said, something needs to change... Not so much a reversion back to my old self but an embrace of who I used to be and who I want to become.
I've reflected back on what I used to do in high school and am determined to follow through with something similar in hopes of getting back this happy-go-lucky part of me to be a whole of me.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
No Games - Serani
So even if the titled post's lyrics does not accurately reflect our relationship, when we had a quiet discussion about it, about how there were "no games" between us ... the song plays in our head and then we start jammin'... dam you catchy songs.
But that's besides the point.
All too often we hear our girlfriends or our male friends or even ourselves playing in the dating game. Could be fun, could be tragic - whatever the outcome, we've all been participants or are currently still playing.
During the fun no-strings-attached moments, we find ourselves exhilarated by the things we don't know and the things we may eventually discover. These supposedly fun times are appealing at the moment but don't always resolve in happy endings.
Which brings us to the second half of the story, the tragedy. I myself have been there, done that. My naive self only less than a couple years ago brought me there and only then did I finally wake up and realize that's not where I wanted to be. I realized that not all games were meant to be played nor were they ever worth my time.
What makes you think that if a guy/girl plays mind games with you pre-relationship will stop playing those games during a relationship? The answer is that more often than not, they don't. More often than not, one person is going to be more insecure than the other and that insecurity usually results in playing the I-can't-be-more-vulnerable-than-the-other game ... and then it's a cat-and-mouse chase.
My advice is this, if you're looking for someone that you could call your boo, there shouldn't be any games. If there are, sirens should go off.
***
I only bring this up because a girlfriend recently asked me how my relationship began. Although no two relationships can be the same, I only give personal advice and it's at your discretion whether or not to take it.
For example ...
For example ...
Although in the past I was a poor victim of the dating game, I've realized it was because I was trying to be somebody I was not... I kept putting on a front, afraid of judgment and criticism. When he came along, I don't know how I did it but when I reflect back, I only remember being myself, being natural - no games, and maybe that's what's working.
Be yourself, I'm sure you're an amazing person and you'll have at least one worthy admirer, if not more. If they don't like, they don't like... their loss. Plenty of very yummy fish in the sea~
***
And when you take that chance to stop playing that game all too familiar to us, maybe that person who found you as you were, embraced your beauty and flaws alike, could very well be the person you grow old with.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Man's Best Friend
Before I embark on a study marathon for the next 3 days, I have to write out everything I'm feeling.
There's a very high level of regret that I am feeling right now. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with Leonard when he was there by my feet each time he saw me. He followed me everywhere, always begged for tummy rubs. I'd only pay attention to him on my own time. Each time he did his trademark paw thing, he win my heart all over again. He knew that that was the key to my heart. ... and yet I was so selfish.
I saw him two nights before his death and I only merely glanced at him, never thinking that he would be gone from my life so soon. I remember thinking after that night why I never paid more attention to him. It was during dinner, that the news of his disappearance came to me and I was never the same again. I knew that if we found him right now after in one piece, I would love him all up. That decision came too late though. The worst of my fears happened, I was in denial, I was in shock and I didn't know what else to feel.
It was first time I saw him cry. We cried for hours, not knowing what to do, feelings of guilt, regret, sadness. There's this Leonard shaped hole in my life ... and I don't know what to do with it. He asked me why humans were so weird, why we get so attached to these dogs. I answered him with all of Leonard's best attributes. We got attached because he was always the first one to meet us at the door, he'd always try to make us happy, he'd never get mad at us if we pushed him away or yell at him but instead try to make things better....
This was the first time I experienced a death very, very close to me. I asked myself constantly whether I'd ever get over it and I don't think I will. I'm thinking about him every single moment of my days, so much that everything reminds me of him. The stairs, the way he'd run up and down the stairs. The couch, the place he always slept. The empty space, the space he always peed and pooed on. The bones we bought for him. The bed, the way he'd run around and try to jump up on the bed...
He was going to celebrate his first birthday next month and I guess we'll be celebrating it for him, without him... He had so much innocence in him, we wanted to bring him out to so many places and now we can't...
Wherever dogs go, heaven, doggie heaven, Leonard I hope you're well... you're running around having the time of your life. I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday and I love you. See you soon...
Rest in Peace
leonard (tat)
August 2008 - July 2009
There's a very high level of regret that I am feeling right now. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with Leonard when he was there by my feet each time he saw me. He followed me everywhere, always begged for tummy rubs. I'd only pay attention to him on my own time. Each time he did his trademark paw thing, he win my heart all over again. He knew that that was the key to my heart. ... and yet I was so selfish.
I saw him two nights before his death and I only merely glanced at him, never thinking that he would be gone from my life so soon. I remember thinking after that night why I never paid more attention to him. It was during dinner, that the news of his disappearance came to me and I was never the same again. I knew that if we found him right now after in one piece, I would love him all up. That decision came too late though. The worst of my fears happened, I was in denial, I was in shock and I didn't know what else to feel.
It was first time I saw him cry. We cried for hours, not knowing what to do, feelings of guilt, regret, sadness. There's this Leonard shaped hole in my life ... and I don't know what to do with it. He asked me why humans were so weird, why we get so attached to these dogs. I answered him with all of Leonard's best attributes. We got attached because he was always the first one to meet us at the door, he'd always try to make us happy, he'd never get mad at us if we pushed him away or yell at him but instead try to make things better....
This was the first time I experienced a death very, very close to me. I asked myself constantly whether I'd ever get over it and I don't think I will. I'm thinking about him every single moment of my days, so much that everything reminds me of him. The stairs, the way he'd run up and down the stairs. The couch, the place he always slept. The empty space, the space he always peed and pooed on. The bones we bought for him. The bed, the way he'd run around and try to jump up on the bed...
He was going to celebrate his first birthday next month and I guess we'll be celebrating it for him, without him... He had so much innocence in him, we wanted to bring him out to so many places and now we can't...
Wherever dogs go, heaven, doggie heaven, Leonard I hope you're well... you're running around having the time of your life. I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday and I love you. See you soon...
Rest in Peace
leonard (tat)
August 2008 - July 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
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