Friday, February 25, 2011


I haven't kept up with blogging for a few reasons:
1. I can hardly find the time to even make a delicious meal
2. I didn't want to document the fluctuations of my thoughts and emotions so I wouldn't have records of any negativity
3. Well, life hasn't really been all that eventful

However, I am making the effort to resume this peculiar habit (inspired by a recent character that I have a love-hate relationship for from a very acclaimed drama). Additionally, I've found myself within a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that I really need to release.

First order of business: Graduating. I am for the most part sure it's happening. It's just that I'm cutting it so close that I can't afford any big screw ups. I also pretty much have the next five years planned ahead of me and I don't want any delays. Yes, life isn't set in stone and sometimes spontaneity is nice but a girl can have her goals, right?

As for the short-term, as in the next year or so, I've been posed with a few different options and I don't know where to go or what to do. I need a job to get through life 'cause I want my parents to retire. But more schooling seems to be a smarter choice 'cause I've seriously learned pretty much nothing of practical use in my university career. However, I don't want to be without income during eight more months of school - it's pretty scary to see my bank account deplete continuously. So pretty much, bottom line: I absolutely have no idea what I want. I just need one big obvious nudge like "Hey, you've got a job at [this amazing company]!" or "I'll give you a three-month internship again - go back to school and learn something useful!" Bah, I wish life worked that way.

I've gotten pretty frustrated with him lately. I love him and I know that he's the one I am gonna spend the rest of my life with but there are certain things that are a part of me that I can't change to match his lifestyle. I'm not budging on this one. I know not everyone grows up with the same family dynamics but I love my family. I love seeing them. Not every day mind you, but enough to get my dose of lovin'. And yes, I understand it takes a whole lot of someone to be at someone else's family gatherings 'cause you can't really fathom nor grasp the level of love needed to enjoy the company of someone else's family as much as you do your own. But when I go to my family gatherings, I want/need him to be there. He's been pretty good so far, but I hope someday it doesn't become a chore.

I never deal with grief very well. I fully know that my life will never be the most miserable when put into perspective but when hard news of extreme sickness or death comes knocking on my door coupled with my weak tear ducts, I really can't stop wondering how he/she will surpass this strange part of life, or how I'd live seeing my loved ones suffer. I cried for a very long time when my little brother was diagnosed with leukemia and when he was going through the most grueling moments of chemotherapy. I cried when I saw my mom in pain as she was dealing with endometriosis. I cried at work (and my boss saw -_-) when I got a call that my dad had to go to emergency 'cause there was something wrong with his gall bladder and needed surgery immediately. My great-grandmother is alive and well, but when I went to visit her this past summer, seeing her frail body, and seeing that she spends most of her days alone, I cried for I wish she wasn't alone 'cause at 96 years old, you're pretty much waiting for the end. My heart cried for a very long time these past 48 hours after finding out that my aunt who recently already had surgery for endometriosis, has been hit with even bigger news: Stage IV sarcoma in the rectum. The latter part of the diagnosis is scary nonetheless, but Stage IV usually means it's incurable, with a five-year survival rate of 10-15%. My heart breaks for her and I can't stop crying.