Sunday, October 24, 2004

i thought i knew, but i actually really didnt

the title says it all. i grew up with many friends. i dont know if it was just my parents sending me to many places to be more outgoing and not as closed up, or it was just the way God made me: easygoing or social whatever. and lets just say while growing up i would think my life was great. God loves me, family loves me, friends love me, as in they dont talk behind my back. and you would think i felt really secure. i actually did at one point. until this year, these friends just randomly said that i had too many friends. i didnt even know what to say, cuz it just hit me so hard that they felt that way when i thought they shouldnt. and i guess lil bits of backstabbing went on. and well like one of you said, " maybe we were just bored and started picking out what we thought were flaws of each other, when we had flaws of our own." i wouldnt say they were all flaws, their called differences, no one can be just the way you want them to. yeah, i actually thought i knew my friends. turns out theyre way different from what i thought of them to be. i'm excluded from a lot of stuff cuz i dont have the same schedule or whatever. i feel distant, and i dont know if any of you guys feel that. i dont know if its me changing, or you guys changing, or both. i'm not as happy as i used to be. before i would always know you guys would be there for me, that you guys would listen to me when i needd you. and you guys say you still will be, but somehow its not the same. i feel you guys are there cuz youre obligated to, not because you want to. i dont know anything anymore. i dont have that sense of security because i always feel like im always judged by my closest friends and i cant open up. what happened to striving to be like Jesus? what happened to striving for not judging anymore? what happened to being honest with each other? and to you, you'll know who you are as you read the rest of this. like i said, i knew itd eventually happen. and i know you cant really control your emotions, but you can control what you do with your emotions. i dont know what's been goin on, but all i can say is that if you knew i still really liked him, would you continue what youre doing? he's not mine or anything i know that, but thats how it is isnt it? girl starts liking guy, then best friend starts liking the same guy. in the end, i cant really do anything about it. well thats how i feel about people now. maybe im just depressive i dont know. i just know that im not the only one with the faults. but somehow i end up just being part of a problem and everythings my fault. everything's my fault because im exclusive. you might not feel the same way, but i wouldnt know that cuz everything about you guys end up being secrets from me. you would say i wouldnt understand or we dont need you now. well if you dint tell me anything, how would you know i wouldnt understand? but in the end it's all up to you if you want me to be there or not. but just know that i'll love you guys the same even if you hurt me a million times one. anyway, i guess friends change dont they? their attitude and their love for you. i used to depend on people to be there for me. now, not everyones there for me. maybe in the future itll change. but like tian said, if i'm not there for myself, no one is. i agree with him in a way. if everything falls apart, everyone's gonna be concentrated on their own problems; no one's gonna be there to help you keep your head up high except for yourself. and i disagree with him in another way. i KNOW God's gonna be there for me. He was there for me in the first place, and He always will be. His love is unchanging and eternal. He loves me for who I am, cuz i am His child. He loves me even though I'm not perfect. and Thank God for Him. to those who read this, i'm sorry if the thoughts are all scattered, im sorry if i offended any of you in any way. but thats just how i feel right now: exclusive. after everything that happened, i jsut need to build my trust up again. and like i said, i'll be there if you need me. and just to reassure you, i still love you cuz you guys are my friends. on a final note, i still dont know.