Tuesday, October 19, 2004

the dreaded

and so it happened again. even worse than major deja vu. i dont know who's right, who's wrong. i dont know whats gonna happen. cliché:"God does things for a reason." well what reason is it now? i dont feel like it's a very good reason because i dont know about it. i dont kno how long its been, i dont know what's been happening underneath what i know and what i've seen. its too much for me to handle. its too much for them to handle. cried for hours, and thats why those at pca dint see my smiling face today. you wouldnt have liked seeing my puffy eyes and tears. and i wouldnt have liked people continuously asking me what was wrong tho its nice to know people care. i dont know what to do, i dont kno what to say. i feel like running away til everything's solved then i'll come back. but i dont think this time it's ever gonna be solved in the way i want it to. in the way it should be solved. 3 hours of crying=3 hours of sadness=1080 seconds of what couldve been worryfree happiness. its been 21 hours. i've been praying for 21 hours. i've been sad for 21 hours. i've been worried for 21 hours. and the hours will just keep adding up...and ever since last night..i feel like im gonna lose this spiritual hype i've had for months. its been the longest streak i've had. am i gonna let it slip? i dont feel like God's here to comfort me anymore. and i know He's always gonna be there. but thats not how i feel. and i hear this everytime something goes wrong everything's gonna be okay, dont worry.. thats not really working. its not really reasurring in times like these. and as for now.. i dont kno whats gonna happen. i dont kno whats God tryina make out of this. and i dont know how to live the way i lived before..