expression vs. impression

I think I've given up on watching Tree of Heaven again. Watching it the first time around, I was really attached. I could feel the heartache and wish to be loved in that way. Now watching it another time, I didn't want to continue. I don't want my heart to ache for nothing. I'm probably trying to watch it so that I could enhance the heartache I have, if any at all.

I guess everything in that sense is great for fantasy anyway. Man it would freakin' suck if it was real. I don't think I could be sad for so long. I don't want to cry for just anything.

Which reminds me, I've never shed a tear for you and I feel great about it.
Fine, if you want to play it that way - I'll do it better than you.

Sigh, I want to get better... I really do. It takes more than commitment and motivation, there needs to be dedication from those who are supposedly helping out too anyway no? Well I'm not going tonight, my arm hurts way too much from the blood test I took.

This weekend better be jam packed. I need to find more stuff to do.
I really need to dance. I've been itching for it. :(:(:(

I'm gonna put you at the back of my mind for the timebeing, is that okay?

:(

Thanks to everyone who came out to see me graduate today. It was great seeing everyone and I am really sad I couldn't spend as much time that I wanted to with each person that came out even if it wasn't only for me. Everything was so hectic especially with my family members being my priority and all.

I can definitely go back on my word and say I'm glad I went. All the speeches, awards, smiles, hugs, etc. was definitely something to remember. I'll never forget the tears that Mr. Vermont shed for us and I'll never forget the wellwishes teachers and family and friends gave us.

Well anyway, report cards really suck.
And... I think I lost my entrance scholarship...
But I guess there's more to be sad about in life.

don't wanna try - frankie j.

I... don't wanna try anymore.
I can't.

Even given the tentative circumstances, as wonderful as it could be...
I can't try anymore.

I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I don't want to let my guard down if I could most likely get hurt again. Because in this situation, I feel like I am the more vulnerable one. But hey, that's for him to decide.

Anyway, on a lighter note...
Thank you to Dan Park for keeping me company today. Food was great!

Oh, and I'm watching Tree of Heaven again just for the heck of it.

not just a pretty face

Well first off, a big fat congrats to those who got baptized today at HCEFC. And for those I know, Jon Lo, Jo Ho, Vincci, and Sharon - I'm happy for you all. :) Thank you to Mike Lau for the most unexpected but the most appreciated inaugarable plane letter in years.

Softball, Softball. Oh how I love thee. How I love thee for giving me therapy when I needed it, for making me love you all the more. Can't wait 'til next practice and then our first game on Saturday!

Dinner was some good times and it reminds me of how much I am unable to live unhappily, how I am unable to keep a straight face. It's all good, I like smiling. Hope you'll smile endlessly too.

I'm trying to make the most out of everything.

all the best

I never understood why you went for another pursuit when you were so immersed in the other. I constantly tried to reach into your conscience so you wouldn't be contradicting, so you wouldn't be tentative.

Well anyway, it was nice while it lasted. You're just another memory now.

All my fault.
But all the best to you.

the cutest laugh i've ever heard

I always say that there's a time and place for everything. I really wish the time was now, any place with you. Too bad it can't be this way.

You liked the falling part too, remember? And you said you'd never stop.

You're leaving, I'm leaving. I wonder what this summer has in store for us. I wonder how it's gonna change us. Am I really asking for too much at this point? Must I really wait a little bit longer? I will if I have to.

Listen

To the song here in my heart

A melody I start but can't complete

Listen

To the sound from deep within

It's only beginning to find release

Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard

They will not be pushed aside and turned

Into your own all 'cause you won't listen

Listen I am alone at a crossroads

I'm not at home in my own home

And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind

You should have known - Oh

Now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you gave to me

But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened

There is someone here inside

Someone I thought had died so long ago

Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams will be heard

They will not be pushed aside or worse

Into your own all 'cause you won't listen

Listen I am alone at a crossroads

I'm not at home in my own home

And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind

You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you gave to me

But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't, if you won't

Listen

To the song here in my heart

A melody I start

But I will complete - Oh

Now I'm done believing you

You dont know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I gotta find my own

My own

I need to get out.
Staying at home doesn't do any good for me.
An overflow of thoughts and feelings always overwhelm me and I'm not so sure I like it that way.

So I can't wait to go to Hong Kong now.
I know I'm leaving a lot behind and I'm probably going to miss a lot that's happening this summer but I need to get away from everything here in Toronto. There's too much attached to this place for the timebeing and I need to find myself again.

When I return home 2 months later I will be changed.

I won't ever forget the thrill.

another chapter to end

I don't know what it was about you but I knew the moment I laid eyes on you... you would be someone hard to forget. You were someone that I thought I could never reach.

You were so much of something that I looked forward to every time I could see you... whether or not we'd talk. It was one of those things that when you acknowledged my presence I could see others eyeing jealously. I guess I'll consider myself luckier than most.

Every time you put a smile on my face I'd remember it so clearly. Every time you spoke to me or smiled at me I remember every nuance and every detail 'cause I knew I wanted to savour every moment.

Those promises you made me kept me believing you, trusting you.
Too bad none of those were kept.
Everything's gone now.

I'm moving on and I can't try like I did before.
But thanks for the memories.

Starting new...

Say little, think more.

I went to my first Wonderland ride in two years.
I am reminded once again why I don't go.

So I started doing my own timetable online.
I hope I don't screw up.
SIGH*

Two very different people.
Two very different personalities.
Two very different compatabilities.
Preference.
***
I miss this kid.

To be innocent once again.

To only know so much

and to only depend on so much.

I want to be 4 years old again.

letting Go(d)

Driving to Western bright and early in the morning was a mission. After taking the wrong turn I already began my frustrating behaviour.

So long story short: I switched programs.
I've basically taken a 360 degree turn.
It was definitely scary... it still is actually.
But... I'm letting go and letting God take me where I need to be.

Now... if only the online student thing would work... I wouldn't be as antsy right now.

versatility

So... being versatile isn't everything. I'd really rather excel at one thing...
And I'm determined to get better make no mistake.
I feel disappointed when I don't live up to my own standards.
Well anyway, I'm trying.

Softball season is gonna be great this year; I can't believe I'm missing most of it. But I guess I'll enjoy what I can.

I'm sunburned and socktanned. Oh baby.

Western SAO tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I want a nice picture on my student ID card and I also want a very nice schedule with very nice courses thanks.

Anyway, thanks for being encouraging and tolerant as much as you can. I'd rather be criticized though.

sunshine

Today was again to me, a very well spent day.
Fast food with the kids (in reference to my siblings)
An AY and DMCI visit... I know I don't go to school with any of them but I feel like I always have. You guys are great, seriously. It's fun just sitting around and chilling. Thanks for the yearbook, Chuey... Now spell my name properly.

Thank you to everyone for all the hugs - I LOVE I LOVE I LOVE!
Will Shin you are crazy. I can't believe you went on for 5 minutes straight talking in Korean to me as if I understood.

VBALL. I thought it was going to be beach so I dressed for the occasion. Oh well it was just indoor volleyball... It's been a while since I hung out with Agape people like that. It makes me kinda sad just thinking about how we're never gonna fellowship the same way ever again.

Anyway, thanks for keeping me company and tolerating my craziness. :)

happy/sad

However tired I was today, I felt immensely happier somehow.
Possibly because so much weight is lifted off my shoulders... I feel free.

Saw so many people I haven't seen in a long time today but I also saw many people for possibly the last time today. I'm happy and sad on both counts

So many thoughtful phone calls today... Kathy, Chris, Phoebe, Phil, Sze Yee, Tony, Joanne...

Today was my last day of Child Care. I was so sad.
I always look forward to last days 'cause I get so tired, but when it actually comes - I miss it so much. Here are pictures of my favourite kid... Curtis Jefferson Kong.
I felt so sad when I had to say bye to him and gave him my last hug. :(


The following pictures show the difference between his no teeth "smile" and his teeth "smile".

***

SCHOOL'S OUT SUCKAS!

the trust of a lifetime

The beautiful Miss Kathy Kwan, who resides halfway across the world, woke me up at the what I will refer to now as "the crack of dawn" a. k. a. waking up for school time. No longer do I have to wake up for the classes of high school and no longer must I wear my uniform that I have worn most of my life.

However sad/happy that may sound, that's besides the point. This is what she said when she heard my voice: "Rachel, I haven't heard your voice in years and you sound like a freaking valley girl. *laughs* You're such a hoe." Do I? Do I really? Oh well, at least I don't sound like a man.

There's so much to do this summer, but there's so little time. I don't know where to start so I can optimize the most time for each person and each activity I want to do before it's too late. There are so many things I want to do and I really need to start prioritizing. But hey, here's my schedule for the rest of June.

14 - chauffeur the sibs, visit AY, childcare, play softball, dinner with the Phil and the Pheebs
15 - visit DMCI, shopping for grad dress, BEACH VBALL
16 - Beach, BBQ
17 - Church, softball, tennis
18 - Western SAO, Ryouko gym
19 - Wonderland with the class of '07
20 - Jo's Western SAO? Book Sale?
21 -
22 - ML's Grad Dinner
23 - Wonderland with the Koreans
24 - Church, softball, tennis
25 -
26 -
27 - Graduation
28 -
29 -
30 - Beach? Breaking the Cycle?

It won't be so easy the next time around.
I could say a lot more, but I won't. I'm so used to suppressing it.
Don't make me lose hope in you - keep being the difference that I believe you are.
It's funny 'cause, you broke my trust from the start so maybe it wasn't that hard to take again and again. I really wonder what it was that kept me going - I didn't actually think anything was gonna happen, especially after the first time you lied to me. I'm dumb for always being there but don't think I'm an idiot that didn't know what was going on - I knew everything.

finally, it's over

The suspense, the questions, the frustrations, everything.
I honestly don't know how I feel right now.
I pretty much saw it coming - actually I saw it from the start but I kept with it anyway because I guess that's what I wanted for a really long time.

Now I no longer need to do what I wanted to do - you did it for me. Thanks.
I waited and waited and waited for 10 long months.
Thanks for putting a smile on my face and thanks for leaving me with a what could've been.

There's so much I wanted to say but I guess I don't need to anymore.

So here's to a new beginning.
I'm letting go and you'll see what you're missing.
I'll probably be missing you a lot.
But hey, that's what vacations are for.

I'm goooood. I'm goooood. I'm grooooowin' up!

almost

I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I don't care!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually I do, I worry about my marks.
But then again, I can't change anything about the past.
What's done is done. Now I just gotta wait and see where God takes me next.

I WANNA DANCE. That's just it right now.
I've been deprived for way too long.
Mikey, do something about it!

Well as much as I want it, deserve it, whatever...
I guess I have a lot of growing up to do don't I?

I don't know why I'm getting so impatient.
There's a time and place for everything.
I know now isn't the time, and I need to learn to wait.

Just please...
don't forget,
and most of all, don't let go.

“It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.”
-- Zig Ziglar

I know I'm progressing at a very slow pace. I want to be at a level where I am no longer at the bottom but going towards the top.

happiness to me

right now.

What I used to giggle over, what I used to have butterflies in my tummy for.
What I would spent countless hours over, what I used to cherish every ounce of memory.
What just even a little gesture made me smile, what I was inspired by.

And to stay connected in any way.
That's fine with me.

patterns of thinking

I don't think I'll ever understand why you do what you do.

You and your selfish ambitions and your selfish desires getting whatever you want, however you want.

I will commend you for one thing though: you're good at it.

Somewhere deep inside of you, I know I can break through. You just gotta give me time.

***
Two more days... I can't wait!

***
Keep intriguing me the way you do and keep inspiring me the way you do. I'll get there.

time is never enough

... and now I understand the importance of it.

I never made use of the time that I was given to do what I said I loved, what I claimed I loved to do.

I never made use of the time that was shared between my friends and I throughout the years so that memories of us growing up were maximized.

I'm not making use of my time now by typing this when I could be studying to attain better marks.

I only have 20 more days to catch up and do whatever I need to before I leave for Hong Kong after exams.

to mature beautifully

in my entirety.

No one ever said growing was going to be easy but yet so many people rush to grow up. We are so rushed with time that we seldom take the time to relax, to laugh until there's no end.

I can hardly remember how long its been since I laid on the grass to watch the clouds change shape or lie down at night looking into the vast sky spotting multiple shooting stars that I would wish upon.

We grow weaker and more dependent on this world we claim as our own.

There are some slight regrets I have about being out of Toronto for the next few years. I'm going to miss readily available transportation, the mass amounts of Asian destinations and people, and if I had known earlier... I know I wouldn't be missing out on you.

I've taken the longest break from studying already. I already took a short nap, I had a short but nice phone call that I only needed to wait for in two days time. And right now I just feel like blogging yet again.

I'm not the greatest at time management and even through that realization I don't learn my lessons to strive for the best.

"Do you want to get better?" he asks.
I answer, "Yes of course!" (thinking he's referring to my fever)
"Then you gotta be committed."

Oh... right. That's definitely something I'm not right now. But really, I want to find my ground... working towards a definite goal with a definite process...

FOUR MORE DAYS. I've never been happier to be done.

I want to gather up the courage and straighten everything out and leave yourself to think, if you can, while I'm gone. Or I can just do the whole closure thing and see how everything unfolds itself and falls into place without me putting excessive effort into it.

I need to get back into music. I want to play.

Anyway, I can't stress it enough... Thanks for being the difference.

quarantined

All better now, except the mother dearest has requested that I forsaken all weekend activities for the sake of my full recovery and the results of my exams. (ie. no Ryouko gym, no KBBQ for Sam's, no housewarming party for Sylvia, etc.) However, I do hope I am allowed to spare sufficient time for softball...

But it is a miracle that I have recovered in 36 hours time.

weakness in your eyes

I'm too sick right now to fully explain all the frustrations that I want to rant about. Right now I only have the energy to say this.

Wow, I just the exact same conversation with Sze Yee about the nerve parents have to say out of anger when one is hurt or sick.

Sze Yee rolled his ankle playing basketball and instead of really caring, his mom only scolded him for being careless.

Today, I knew I woke up feeling a little bit abnormal but I decided to walk it off. When I get home I discover that I have caught a fever again... 104 degrees fahrenheit. I could possibly go stupid if not recovered soon. I simply left a note by the microwave so when my mom got home she would know where I was. Instead I was woken up by constant yelling and constant scolding about how I should've taken care of myself better; how I should've dressed warmer for the weather. Mind you, I was wearing a sweater and a vest everyday this week to compensate for the cold spring weather.

So instead of wellwishes to get better, I got yelled at.
Thanks Mom, I really wanted to get sick especially at this time of year.

***
On a totally different note, I'm not trying to be demanding or whatever but gratitude could at least be shown from you instead of your ignorance for what I go through.

I get frustrated really easily with you 'cause I'm not used to the way things are. Can they change? Yes. Will they change? Not right now.

And then there's your smile that suddenly makes me forget about my frustrations.
Please don't stop.

I hope you see that there's more than just what's laid out in front of us.

7 more days of school.
28 more days 'til I have to leave for HK.
Maybe we both will discover something in between.

release

I don't always want to smile like it doesn't bother me nor do I want to shrug it off as if it never happened because well it does bother me and well it did happen.

It's been far too long and I swear if I wasn't myself I'd call myself crazy and slap myself until I snapped out of it.

Being a girl comes some girl instincts and emotions where most of the time they can't be stopped. As a result, usually suppression takes place.

Do I mind? Sometimes. Do I still do it? Yeah.

Closure: it's about time.

stop the speech

Sometimes I say too much, and sometimes I do too much. I gotta learn what my limits are.

It's that time of year... to say our goodbye's, see you later's, farewell's.

I was always looking forward to my last day of work before I head off into the summer and then to uni. Today was my last day for the City of Toronto for the timebeing. It was shortlived and it was definitely a blast. All the coworkers and the kids are a lasting memory. Sure it sucks breaking kids' hearts when you fail them but it's the greatest feeling in the world to see a kid smile knowing he/she passed.

9 more days 'til I'm finally done high school. And yet again I'm probably gonna cry during graduation.

15/Love

It's all good.
I can be myself and it's fun.
Aiming for the best as always.
Thank you for letting me see the difference.

I'm sore all over, but it's good feeling for some reason.
I think I am making progress. Hopefully I'll get there before July hits.

It's hard to believe it's been 14 years already. It's also hard to believe that high school will be over for me in just merely 11 days. It's a bittersweet feeling and I can say I'm fine moving past this milestone. I'll definitely miss everyone there though - teachers and friends alike.

So here's the deal for the next two weeks.
J3: church, tennis, softball
J4: school, last day of work :(
J5: school, child care
J6: school, study
J7: skip the morning to go visit haig/AY, school, child care
J8: skip the day, ryouko gym
J9: sylvia's housewarming, study
J10: church, study
J11: english exam, study, ryouko gym
J12: chem exam, child care, study
J13: calc exam, french exam